Living and Dying

This week one of our friends was put in hospice and died after a very long illness. I spent the week going back and forth to the hospital to be with his wife during this difficult time. One of my other friends posted on facebook this week that death is not necessarily all about the dying but the living who will be left behind. My friend was in a coma for several days before dying. Although we were there for him to hear us and for him not to die alone, we were mostly there for his wife. We spent time with her to support her during this difficult time.

The other observation I made this week is how many people did not come. I am guessing they felt uncomfortable, did not know what to say or feared being around death itself. We seem to want to neatly pack it away in hopes that it will never happen to us. When I was growing up, our Pastor used to say that we all had 100% chance of dying some day. Although it is sad for those who are left behind, for many like our friend it is the end of suffering here on this earth.

If someone is dying, remember there loved ones. Sometimes just sitting with them helps pass the time. If you don't know what to do just listen or reminisce about the dying person with the loved ones left behind. When my Grandma was dying in hospice many people came to tell us the wonderful ways that she had helped them over the years. Many of them even her children did not know. It was a wonderful way to celebrate her life.

Juliet

I am taking a quick detour from our apple blogs to talk about an experience that happened here yesterday. We found one of our chickens dead. This death leads me to a topic that is important to me so I thought I would blog about it today while this death is fresh in my mind. In our culture today, we avoid talking about death and even acknowledging its existence. We can hide from the truth as much as we want but death, just like birth, is a natural part of life. As much as we want to run and hide from this reality, everyone experiences both of these in their lifetime. Deaths of loved ones and staring our own mortality in the face are difficult. However, we need to come to terms with both of them in order to truly experience life.

I think having animals can somewhat demystify death for children. When you are regularly around animals, death can easier be seen as a natural part of the cycle. Animals die due to sickness, disease and to provide food for us. Yesterday, when we found one of our chickens dead, our youngest who is very attached to the chickens cried. We did not hide the death from her and today we will bury the chicken and she will help in the process. We want her to know that death is a natural part of life. It is not something to be feared or avoid!

I grew up in a farming community. My parents took me to funeral homes and funerals. It was not fun but I learned death is natural and not something to be feared. It has helped me develop what I see as a a healthy way of dealing with death and has prepared me for the journey we are currently on with our youngest daughter. Makenzie has a progressive, neuromuscular disease for which there is no cure. Although it is hard, sad and very overwhelming at times; reality is that her life will be drastically shortened by this disease. It does not mean that we give up hope for a cure but we have made a decision from the start that we will not abnormally prolong her life. Instead, we will focus on giving her the best quality of life. Our medical choices are made on these decisions. When she was first diagnosed with this terrible disease, we talked with each of our immediate family members, doctors and minister about this decision. We are involved in a hospice program, however, we seek out the best doctors to help with her care to make sure her quality of life is the best we can give her. Our daughter has exceeded all expectations and we have had some wonderful years. I don't know what her future or ours hold but I do know that when the time comes to make the decision to let her go we will be supported and will be able to make the right decision for her.

I bring this topic up not because we want you to feel sorry for us or her but to show you where I am coming from these days. In this journey we have encountered many people (including health care professionals) that have a problem with this view. We see people hold on to dying family members for whom there is no hope for survival and prolong their suffering. We see grown adults unwilling to go to hospitals or funeral homes to support loved ones in their time of need because of their own fears. We see people not willing to take their children to funerals or funeral homes because they don't want to expose them to such "unpleasantness". Their children then grow up to see death as a terrifying thing to be avoided at all costs. We can run as long as we want but eventually death will catch up with us.

Yes, Juliet died yesterday. Makenzie is sad because she lost a pet she loved but we will not hide the truth from her. We will love and support her through this natural life stage. Later on, we hope this will allow her to deal with death in a healthy way.